🎶 Landmark Album No. 001
Intro
This post is the first in a new series concept I would like to try out. Every so often (with no set schedule as of now) I would like to present an album that for some reason has become a core musical memory. These will differ from my regular recommendations in that I will try to focus way more on what I think makes the album special--both to me personally and to music as an artform.
So, now that you know what the series will be about, let's get it going. 😊
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The Antlers - Hospice
Indie / Shoegaze, 2009
I wish that I had known in that first minute we met,
the unpayable debt that I owed you.
These are the first two lines of this absolute soul crusher of an album that had me dazed for days after hearing it for the first time as a young adult. I don't remember exactly how I came across it, but I remember knowing about the supposed backstory of the album before I ever sat down to listen to it.
This probably had a positive effect in the sense that I was already emotionally invested before ever hearing the music, and as restless as my thoughts and attention tends to be, it forced me to focus and sit there with the lyrics on my screen while listening. I read along as one of the most emotionally terrifying relationship scenarios played out in front of me.
The first track is an instrumental opener. It starts with whispering sounds you can barely hear, then a crescendo builds so suddenly you almost get startled by it. The following sounds and muffled choral vocals are warped, distorted, glitchy, noisy... Haunting... and yet somehow still beautiful.
Once the prologue calms down and fades out, the second track, Kettering, with its soft piano melody and hushed whispering vocals starts setting the dark tone of the journey the listener is about to embark on.
But something kept me standing by that hospital bed
I should have quit, but instead I took care of you.
You made me sleep and uneven, and I didn't believe them
when they told me that there was no saving you.
This album seemingly tells the story of a relationship, from the perspective of a man who is some sort of nurse or caretaker. He appears to fall in love with one of the patients in the facility where he works, and is compelled to try and save her, despite knowing from the start that her condition is terminal.
As if that isn't emotionally heavy enough, it appears that the relationship fairly quickly slides into emotionally abusive territory. Given the woman's condition it's hard to blame her for her behavior as its clearly a result of her terminal condition, or because of underlying mental health conditions. The lyrics would definitely suggest a severe case of bipolar disorder and suicidal tendencies (which I have personal experience with in my family).
Sylvia, can't you see what you are doing?
Can't you see I'm scared to speak,
and I hate my voice 'cause it only makes you angry.
The man endures it, because he wants to be there for her for what he intellectually knows is her limited time left alive. She has no one but him, and the two quickly become codependent. But the relationship and her situation only gets worse, and as the listener you can only listen in horror as bad decisions are made, and conflicts unfold.
With the bite of the teeth of that ring on my finger,
I'm bound to your bedside, your eulogy singer.
I'd happily take all those bullets inside you and put them inside of myself.
When you love someone enough, you will do anything for them, even if it hurts you in the process. But at some point, enough is enough, the desperation starts to manifest, and the inevitable outcome is misery and disaster.
I considered while writing this that I would go through each story beat of the album, but that would not only make the post way too long, but I think that might do the listener a disservice and would venture into spoilers.
I will say that this record might be outright triggering for someone who has experienced mental and physical abuse in their romantic relationships, or for those that have experienced a traumatic loss of a loved one. It is a vivid and poetic portrayal of what can happen when romantic love becomes a curse rather than a blessing.
The instrumentation switches from fairly simple pianos and guitars to sweeping and immense noisy soundscapes. It's awful, chaotic, overwhelming and beautiful all at the same time, mirroring the story of this relationship and what these people went through. Even setting the lyrics and the story aside, this is simply masterfully crafted music.
I recommend listening to it in full with a good set of headphones, from start to finish, without breaks, and with the liner notes at hand. You can find it on most major streaming services, including Bandcamp, and you can find the liner notes with the lyrics here.
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I'll let this last lyric quote hopefully be what convinces you to take the plunge:
Don't ever let anyone tell you you deserve that.
Thanks for reading. See you in the next one! ✌️